I have always wondered what relationships look like when the man earns less than the woman. In this part of the world where the man is saddled with the expectation of taking care of his woman, it is unconsciously expected that the man should earn more.
Women who are thus more successful and earn more are advised to keep their achievements away from the knowledge of their lovers as it could be a stain on their ego if they get to find out that their women earn more than they do.
This is bullshit, anyway
Well, I hate to generalize and so I needed to know. Is it true that men would find it uncomfortable dating or marrying a woman who earns more? And is it true that women would find it uncomfortable marrying a man who earns less? And then, I asked this question across all my social media platforms and got replies. Of all the replies I got, about 90% were of the opinion that a man earning less than a woman wasn’t a problem. Of these 90%, a little over average were males. I found it interesting that guys thought it was absolutely nothing if their women earned more than they did. And although I wasn’t surprised, I found it equally interesting that women didn’t care either.
Perhaps there were guys who wouldn’t support the idea and they just didn’t comment on my poll for fear of going against the popular opinion, I really do not know and I cannot say. However, I’ll choose to go with the results of my poll and see this topic in that light till I am influenced by a different opinion.
Now, would I have a problem with my man earning less? Absolutely not. I would be more bothered if my man was bothered about me earning more. For the baby girl that I am though (Lol), Maybe I’d like it if my man earns more than I do. So that he can at least be buying me shawarma and ice-cream. And I won’t be feeling guilty for eating his money. I’m kidding. I think the problem is not if I’m earning more or if he’s earning less or whatever. But on how much we love each other and are willing to make it work.
I have heard of guys who take their more-earning women for granted or see her as an opportunity for them to get rich. And there are some other guys who absolutely drop the efforts to buy nice things for their ladies because she’s earning more and can afford it. They think their efforts are no longer needed since she can handle that herself.
Now this is not something I subscribe to. That I am earning more shouldn’t mean you shouldn’t want to take me out or buy me nice things. (And if you were thinking of asking, relationships are more than buying of gifts). It shouldn’t mean you stop making the efforts. Personally, I don’t care about how much or how little you spend, as long as you’re showing me you do care.
So here’s my bit for ladies; if you are dating a guy who earns less, there should never be a point in the relationship when you rub that in this face. Respect the fact that he works hard to make his ends meet whether he earns more or less. What a man earns really should never be the basis for your respecting him.
And for the men; you shouldn’t be bothered about it. A woman who doesn’t care will not give a damn about what you think. A woman who is well-meaning may not feel free to help out when you need it. You shouldn’t feel insecure at any point. If she’s a good woman that you love so much, you would do well not to ever bring up the issue in a disagreement. And of course, if there are things you should do for her, you shouldn’t rescind on your decision to make her happy in the little way you can.
This is what I think. Your opinion(s) could be different. So what do you think? For the ladies, would you date/marry a man who earns less? For the guys, would you date/marry a woman who earns more?
Birthday depression is a big issue and it’s more severe because many people do not even know it exists. Or scratch that, it actually does exist but many people simply would not call it a form of depression. I didn’t think it was a form of depression till, of late, when an acquaintance narrated her experience and it occurred to me that it felt familiar.
Birthday Depression is that feeling of sadness that overwhelms you when it’s about time for your birthday or just after your birthday. I cannot say it happens to everyone because I haven’t conducted a poll on this before but I do can say it happens to quite a number of people.
Birthday depression usually comes as a result of having a terribly sad feeling of unachieved goals and dreams that have not come through. Many people have milestones they want to achieve at a certain age and strive to work towards it. So when the achievement doesn’t come through as planned for, it becomes hard to bear. There is, a lot of times, the feeling of failure that comes with remembering that you’re a year older but not a year bigger.
Asides the feeling of not being able to have achieved your set goals for a particular age, there is also the fear of not getting to where you aspire to get to. Some people want to have gotten to certain places in their lives or their careers at a particular age and as the birthdays pass, the fear and uncertainty of having those things come to pass begin to stare them in the face.
In a couple of months, I am going to be a year older. And while I would have been all excited a few years ago about a coming birthday, I am pretty much far from excited this time around. Oh, of course, I am going to be grateful about another year added in life and good health. But there are goals that I have, dreams that I have dreamed and staying on my present age affords me the superficial excitement that I still have on my side. With another birthday, I am reminded that I am older and time, even if it’s on my side, is running fast against me.
Well, how do I expect to overcome birthday depression?
By first realizing that birthdays are a gift to celebrate because life is worth celebrating. Only a living person can really bother about goals and responsibilities and achievements. I may not be where I would like to be or where I have planned to be but I am sure grateful for how far I have come and nonetheless optimistic about where I am going. You know, hope really never fails.
Secondly, you must also endeavour to focus on the other good things that you possess. As one grows older, it is easier to forget the things that God has done and focus on the things that we do not have yet. When we focus on things that have not happened yet, we let our sight off the big blessings that have already happened. “Count your blessings and you will see what the Lord has done” remains an ever-relatable hymn. You may want to take a notepad and jot down things that you are grateful for having. Or you may want to take some personal life to help you think deeply; whatever will make you think of the positive things.
Third, you must understand that your achievements don’t define you. You define your achievements. You give life to your goals. You decide whether or not the failure to achieve something gets to you and affects you. I am learning that whether or not I do well in a particular area of my life, I will do well as a whole, regardless. I define my goals. They don’t define me. And so when they don’t come to pass [yet], I can still deal with them.
I believe birthday depression can be overcome. I am trying to overcome it too and I know I’d have overcome it by my next birthday.
Please share this with your network. Someone might need it. Thanks!
Hi everybody! How are you doing today? (You can let me know in the comments). If this is your first time of visiting my blog, you have no idea how glad I am to have you. If this isn’t your first time, I wish I could give you a kiss right now. Lol. Thank you. Enjoy the post and don’t forget to comment afterwards.
So, I THINK I WAS HARASSED! Maybe I wasn’t but I strongly feel like I was. If you’re on my Facebook, you’ve probably seen a part of this gist. So this is the 100% gist:
On my way to work a couple of days ago, a guy drove past me and I noticed him stop his car a few steps from me. I had also noticed him checking me out as he drove past me and sort of guessed that he stopped because of me. I guessed rightly.
As I got to his car and made an attempt to continue walking, he called from his car and said, “Hello. Excuse me”. Now, somewhere in my head, I heard my mom warning me to be wary of strangers and I almost ignored him. But the part of me that claims to be cooler said “Funke, calm down. Maybe he just needs directions”. So I stopped and faced him.
He asked, “Where are you going? Let me drop you off.” Sorry man, you don’t drop a Yoruba girl who grew up in my society off anywhere, especially when it’s close to Christmas.
I politely replied and I smiled (I wonder why I did but…) and said, “No, thank you. My destination is just around the corner. I’ll be fine.” And I kept walking, forgetting the past behind me.
In another couple seconds, this guy had caught up with me and called out, “Okay, if I can’t drop you off, can I have your number?”
I politely replied again (I’m not sure I smiled this time around), “No, sorry.”. I probably should have added, I have a boyfriend… But no, I didn’t.
I walked on and the guy kept driving after me and stopping when he caught up with me. This happened about three times and I had already begun to feel extremely embarrassed and uncomfortable. So what did I! I flagged down a bike and told the bike guy where I was going. It wasn’t far but because I felt uncomfortable and pestered, I had to take a bike.
I heaved a sigh of relief and had calmed down when I heard a car horn behind me. I looked back and saw his car. I don’t even know what happened at this point but I instantly started panicking. I moved to feeling embarrassed to feeling pestered to panic real quick. I wanted to tell the bike man to increase his speed by telling him someone I didn’t know was coming after me but I thought against it.
I brought out my phone from my bag all shaky at this point and tried calling a male colleague who I felt would have been at the office at the time and could come rescue me but he wasn’t picking and on the third try, his phone was off.
Immediately I got down from the bike and paid the biker (I had change thankfully), I raced into my office building, banging on the door before I gained access. For the next couple of minutes, I sat half-expecting him to knock on my office door. Maybe I would have fainted if that had happened.
Now much later after I’d calmed down, I thought of the whole issue and I began to feel like I had been harassed. I termed it harassment because I had been extremely uncomfortable and continuously pestered against my wish. I tried to imagine that he was persistently following me without a car and against my wish.
I posted my experience on Facebook and I had varying reactions. Some were of the opinion that calling that harassment was way too far-fetched. After all, he was only indicating his interest in me. While others did agree that it was harassment.
I don’t know what you think (and I definitely would like to know) but I still do think that that guy harassed me! Even if he was being persistent or whatever, I had told him No twice and he still kept on. Maybe I overreacted by being panicky but I’ve never been one person to remain calm when I suspect someone following me.
What do I call it? An infringement on a lady’s right to free movement? Abi what sef?
Well, so that’s what happened. What do you think?
The discussion of Bae Allowance or Girlfriend Allowance appears to come up every now and then on social media.
If you do not know what “Bae Allowance” means, it refers to an amount of money that a guy gives his woman on a regular basis.
Would you believe that until some months ago, I had no idea that there was anything known as girlfriend allowance? I mean, I knew that girlfriends could enjoy special financial privileges from their boyfriends. Like him taking them out or giving them money when they need it and if he does have it. But I had no idea there was a regular “salary” thingy.
Okay, fast forward to now that I know. I have studied that there are different sets of people who have varying opinions about this matter.
First, there’s the set of people who think it’s absolutely fine to give your girlfriend an allowance, as long as you can afford it. Just so that she can be comfortable and not be tempted by other guys. (Lol)
Second, there’s the set that thinks it is absolutely irrelevant unless they’re married. Such commitment should be attended to in marriage, abi?
Third is the set of people who are absolutely indifferent about it. If it comes, fine. If it doesn’t, it’s still fine.
For me, I think I just have mixed feelings about this issue. I don’t think the lady should expect it and I don’t think the guy should be under obligation to give her a regular allowance. If he feels the spirit is leading him to continously sow into the ministry of the bae monthly or regularly, he can. As long as he is not inconveniencing himself or his pocket to make that happen.
“Bae Allowance” is not something I am entirely cool with simply because I kinda sorta think receiving a monthly allowance would mean you being indebted to him one way or the other. And I love my independence like ki lo de. Well, what do I know except for what I think?
So, what’s your take? Do you support Bae Allowance or not? Let me know in the comments. And please don’t forget to share with others.
P.S: I’m going to do another post on the different opinions of this I have received so far. Your comment could be one of them.
A few weeks back, I got the mighty privilege to interview a woman in tech, Adejumoke Famade. I came across her online and was intrigued by the fact that she repairs laptops and computers for a living. I wanted to find out certain things; One was how she felt doing the job. Second was how people viewed her and third was why she opted for it. Because I don’t want this text-interview to be too long, I regrettably have reduced the content largely. Nevertheless, you will absolutely enjoy it. Cheers!
Please tell me about your educational background?
I went to St. Bernard’s Nursery and Primary School, Akoka. My secondary school was The African Church Model College, Ifako-Ijaiye then I went to Covenant University, studied Computer Science and graduated with a second class upper.
Oh, so did that lead to your love for computers?
It started during my IT. I went there as a computer software student but my supervisors there were mostly for infrastructure so they influenced me to do infrastructure. The plan was to learn infrastructure for three months and programming for three months. I started with infrastructure and before I knew it, I was going four months into it. From the first month in infrastructure, I was already dismantling and assembling systems in less than thirty minutes. I also started fixing systems for even the Human Resource Director (HRD). When I was leaving, they bought me my own tools because they knew that that was what I loved.
So tell me about your family background.
I’m from Ogun state; Ijebu-Ishara while my mom is from Bayelsa. My mom has two children (my elder brother and I) while my dad has four other children. My father and mother are no longer together.
Was Computer Science a course you just picked for study or was it as a result of your love for computers?
I initially wanted to go for medicine but thank God I failed JAMB! I had 171 and had to stay at home. Although Babcock picked me for Social Works, my mom disapproved of it. Then she later enrolled me at a computer school (NIIT). It was there I found out that computer science was actually a cool course and when I wrote JAMB again, I picked Computer Science and I passed the cut-off.
When you tell people you repair computers, what do they say?
Well, they usually want to test to find out if a female can truly repair computers. Even at work, most systems are always on me because people want to see what I can do. However, some women look down on me. Sometimes women don’t like when women progress. There was a time a woman called me incompetent because I was female.
What other challenges do you face?
The other challenge I face is when a client wants to fix a system and I am at work (this is not the only work I do). Then there are people who message you at odd hours to make enquiries. Another challenge is that many of my clients are also from South Africa and other states in the country. And then there are also people who want you to repair their laptops at a ridiculously low price.
What can you say with regard to women and tech?
What I can say is a woman can do what a man can do better. This is not me being feminist. If men are in tech, why can’t women be in tech? Women use technology so why can’t we know what makes things happen? I am pretty curious about how technology works and always want to know what’s behind the scenes.
How do you deal with comments that are degrading?
I just scroll. I don’t even have time. I know my Bible and if I want to make it, I must have enemies. The hateful comments make me want to keep doing what I do. It’s a normal thing to be talked about. You must be able to manage your emotions so that nobody brings you down. There are people who find it harder to commend you than to criticize you.
What’s the big picture?
If I tell you my picture, you will shake (laughs). I see myself as one of the richest women in Africa in tech in the future.
Any final words?
Just do it. Whether it works out or not.
Thank you for reading. Trust you enjoyed it. Please drop your comments and don’t forget to share.
You can connect with Miss Famade on twitter: @famshizzle
I read Toke Makinwa’s book “On Becoming” recently and well, what a read it was! I have not gotten over the wave of emotions that hit me from time to time while I read the book. I have had one or two people tell me that it is dangerous to believe a one-sided story like Toke Makinwa’s and I agree to an extent. But something deep within me believes her story hook, line and sinker and it’ll remain that way until I’m proven otherwise.
The book is opened by Toke Makinwa narrating the story of her family background. She tells a gruesome story of how she loses her parents to a fire incident that happened in their home while she was a kid. In the book, she also describes her growing up, education and the main gist of the book- her relationship with Maje.
Toke Makinwa’s story is relevant, to me, because she openly tells about the experiences of many ladies who will never have the strength to tell them. Her story also reveals the failure of the African society that would rather blame the woman for the dissolution of a marriage than blame a man. The faulted system that suggests that a broken marriage would have been prevented if the woman “cooked better for him, gave him enough sex and blah blah blah.”
I was angry while reading the book because I couldn’t fathom why she kept going back to a guy who kept cheating on her. I really wouldn’t blame her though. When a woman loves a man, she easily forgives him when he apologizes with the hope that he will change. Of course, he might not and the cycle continues.
I was disgusted because I really couldn’t place why he always kept cheating and coming back to say “I’m sorry” knowing well that he was no where near the changed man he acclaimed himself to be.
I was sad because of the trauma she had to go through and how she could have avoided that a long time ago.
The end of the book however brought me a feeling of unsaid joy and relief. I am glad that she was able to find solace and strength in God’s Word during the trying times.
Here’s a lesson for ladies: If a man keeps disrespecting you over and over again, don’t go into marriage with him. Yes, you really love him and trust that he’ll change. But if he keeps hurting you again and again, please leave. If your relationship with a man doesn’t change him, don’t expect your marriage with him to do that either.
Disclaimer: My views are solely based on reading Toke Makinwa’s account of her relationship with Maje. The story may change if I ever get to read or hear Maje’s side of the story.
By the way, today is Toke’s birthday. Happy Birthday, Toke Makinwa!