As much as proposals are the order of the day all around the world, it is also not unusual to hear or see instances where the lady rejects a marriage proposal from her man; or in recent cases in Nigeria where it was the other way around. And beyond what we see in the media daily, I am sure there are other countless men whose proposals are rejected by their women.
This is an interesting phenomenon, I must say. I have been particularly thrilled about failed proposals. I always want to know why she said no if they had been dating for a while. What went wrong? Was it her? Was it him? Was it them? WHY? The bigger and more significant question I always seem to have on my mind is, “So, what next? Where do they go from there? Do they retrace their steps? Or should they say goodbye?” Because I am naturally inquisitive, I have raised this question with small groups of people (guys, especially).
“If you ask a girl to marry you and she says No, would you continue with the relationship?”
Last week, I also took a poll on my social media platforms where I asked people this same question. And as with every poll, I got varying responses. Most of the people who responded made it known very clearly that there was absolutely no need for the relationship to continue while others did make provisions for the fact that there could have been a reason.
Well, I am one of the few people who think that saying No to a proposal should not necessarily mean the end of a relationship.
I mean, I know it’s a serious thing if she says No to your proposal but I think calling the relationship quits as a result of that might be too extra. And I do have my reasons.
WHAT IF SHE IS NOT READY?
I am in a relationship with someone I do love and see myself marrying sometime in the nearest future but sometimes, I have had to ask myself what I would do when this guy is ready to get married and I am not ready yet. Would he ask me why and find out? Or would he call it quits?
Some people think he should at least be knowledgeable enough to know when I’m ready or not. But the problem with this premise is that this can be quite confusing, especially if he wants the proposal to be a surprise. What if he is convinced that she is ready because she looks or talks ready but is not ready mentally?
I think we really should consider the possibility that a woman can really love a man, see a future with him but indeed, not be ready when he pops the question; and sometimes, it is not about whether she is ready to submit or not or whether she is financially stable as she wants. Sometimes, it is just psychological and in a lot of cases, you can’t just explain the exact unready-for-marriage feeling that you have.
It is important to remember that a man will NEVER ask for a woman’s hand in marriage until he thinks he is ready, even if she has been ready for it for long. He might not be financially ready and all and sometimes, he is just not mentally ready. It doesn’t reduce the love he has for her, neither does it mean he’ll push himself to get married because she wants to get married.
If the man most likely would not ask the question unless HE is ready, then why should there not be a consideration of the possibility that she might not be ready too? Should she automatically be ready because he is ready? Or, is it only the man who needs to get mentally or psychologically ready for marriage?
Being ready is not only talking like you’re ready. It might not even be talking about marriage. It is not looking like you’re all ready and ripe.
Asking the WHY question
So, here’s my submission. If she says No to a proposal, there should be questions asked; Why?
-Is it that she doesn’t see a future with him at all?
-Or is it that she is not ready (Maybe he asked too early)?
If it’s the latter, then do well to ask WHY she is not ready.
The responses should inform your next step; whether to stay and chill or find someone else. As for me, however, God knows I am not going to say Yes to a marriage I am not prepared for (and I know he definitely would not ask me without knowing if I’m prepared).
Or, what do you think?
Earlier this week, I saw a video of a girl who proposed to “her man” at the Ikeja City Mall, Lagos, and the guy rejected the proposal. You have most likely seen the video as well. So, I did a poll (as usual) asking ladies if they could propose and asking guys if they could accept a lady’s proposal. As usual again, I got different reactions which made it all too interesting and fun. I got opinions from ladies who said they could propose and those who said they couldn’t. I also got opinions from guys who said they could accept the proposal and guys who, as expected, said they couldn’t.
So, in this post, I am NOT going to tell you IF I can propose to a guy or not. I am going to tell you why I CAN’T.
- I think I am just proud
Looool. Yes, I am. If I am going have anything romantic to do with you in the first place, you better be bold enough to ask. Else, even if I am head over heels for you, that feeling is going to my grave with me. Same thing with proposing to you. If you don’t tell me to marry you, I won’t ask. Las las, I will leave you and your relationship with you if you have a problem asking.
2. I like to tell people stories about my life. If you follow me personally, you know this. So, my future husband’s proposal is going to be something I am sure to write about. LMAO. But how will I be able to write it if I was the one who proposed? The story won’t be sweet abeg. So no!
3. See ehn, the words, “Will you marry me?” will be twisting my mouth. They won’t come out well because my home training will be alerting my brain that there is something wrong going on in my mind. And that would ensure that the words going from my mind to my mouth will be distorted so they will eventually not come out. I don’t know but that sounds like something I could have learnt in Biology.
4. I hate hearing the word, “No” when “asking” people for anything. If I was the girl that acted proposed and got rejected… hmmm (laughs in the tongues of saints gone before), I don’t know o but something like blood will flow. Not blood o, something like blood.
5. I won’t forgive myself for ridding myself of the beautiful, angelic, “awwing” moment that I am supposed to have when the lucky Boo eventually goes down on his knees (yes, he must go down on his knees) and says, “Will you marry me?”. You know that highly emotional moment when you feel like, “Oh my God, it’s really happening. I am getting married!” with tears that you try to clean from your eyes so you can see through his heart if he’s serious or not. I must have that moment by force, by fire.
Okay, joking apart. I can actually never bring myself to asking a guy out not because I think, “It has always been a guy’s job to ask” or anything but because I just can’t. If you can’t propose, I can’t either.
Thank you very much for reading. Want to let me know what you think? Kindly use the comments box. If you’ll like to connect with me on my social media platforms, we could link up on any of the following:
Facebook: Orifunke Lawal
I once fell in love with a guy who was younger than I was. Yes, you read that right. We didn’t work out for important reasons (the age was NOT one of them. lol). But I can say one or two things when somebody asks me, “Is age just a number?” Safe to say at this point in my life, I am not trying to think about if it’s possible to date a guy who’s younger than I. Rather, I should be considering if I want to date such a person or not.
But really, I’ve thought about this again and again. Would my relationship with this guy have worked out in the long run? I really don’t know. It might have worked out if he didn’t end up a childish person or if I didn’t turn out a bossy person. But I can’t say because it didn’t work out outside of the age reason. P.S: He was not childish, neither was I bossy.
I do not think there’s anything wrong with dating someone who is younger than you as a lady or dating someone older as a guy. But I really do not think, also, that that’s one situation I would ever like to be in. Not because I won’t respect him but because it would take a whole lot of persuasion for me to actually believe that he won’t ever see any actions on my part as being done because I’m older.
Somebody once told my ex that I was domineering simply because he saw me open a door without allowing my Ex open it while we were walking together. I will never be able to understand the correlation between opening a door myself while my boyfriend was there and being domineering. That’s not the point I am trying to drive at, anyway, but what I am saying is, if I could actually be seen as domineering because of something as irrelevant as that, what would have happened if I was older? He probably would have thought I was doing everything I was doing because he was younger. Too much headache abeg.
So, for me, I’d say it would take a whole lot of maturity on both sides to deal with a relationship that is against status quo. First, the guy mustn’t have insecurity issues. Else, he might wrongly infer that she’s doing everything she is doing because she is older. I mean, she won’t be able to voice out her displeasure, won’t be able to offer help or whatever simply because, “Is it because you’re older than I am?”
On the other hand, the woman must also be ready to “forget” her age in the relationship. Else, she’ll begin to wonder why she offered to date or marry someone who “acts his age” (you know what that means abi?)
At the end of the day, relationships are not defined by age but by how much we’re ready to accommodate the other person, deal with their strengths and faults and how much we’re ready to actually make the relationship work.
Can I date a guy who’s younger than I am? Yes, definitely, I can. Well, I guess I can.
As usual, I did a poll asking people if age was just a number and I got some responses. Big thanks to everyone who responded. Below are some of the responses I got. Enjoy them and don’t forget to drop your comments before leaving. Thank you! Just in case you want to connect with me on social media, you can follow me on any of these platforms. I’d love to hear from you anytime!
Facebook: Orifunke Lawal
Asking if I can take a cheating partner back is quite a sensitive question! Lol. I did my usual weekly question-and-answer session last week asking this question, “Can you take a cheating partner back?” Oh, let me gist you. So a few weeks ago, I started asking controversial questions on my social media platforms starting with my whatsapp. It’s been fun for me because I have always loved to have people share their opinions about issues. For me, it makes me see how “different” they can be. I just think I’d be focusing on doing this more often till I probably get bored or till something else interests me. Haha. Okay, so I took this last “episode” to an extra level. I did designs of some of the responses I received after work on a particular day. You’ll get to see them once you scroll down. But before you do, biko, read this one finish first.
I have always said it that I can forgive anything but cheating. For me, cheating is a NO-HELL-NO! I can’t even deal. I can’t imagine it. I can be a very jealous lover and so, if you are my man, you are MY man. So, if my partner cheats on me, taking him back would be one hell of a job. Now see, I don’t know if it’s true for every other person, but cheating would make me go into my shell and start asking myself all the deep questions of my life. “Why would he cheat?”, “Was I not enough?”, “What did she give him?” etc. I will never be able to understand or see a reason why he would cheat on me and it would definitely reflect in my relations with him.
But, can I take a cheating partner back? I really do not know. I have a feeling that all the standards of not taking a cheating partner back may fall flat if he is a guy I really love. I have never been in such a situation before so it’s really quite hard for me to tell right now. Would I be hurt if my partner cheats on me? Yes, definitely. Would I consider breaking up? Yes, I would. If not totally, I’d still have to take a break to clear my head first.
Also, I think the consideration of taking back a partner who has cheated is greatly dependent on the status of the relationship. For one, it is easier to forgive and get back with a partner who has cheated on you if you both are already married. However, if you’re not married, it would take a lot of conviction to get back together. Marriage just has a way of changing the whole equation. You know, marriage is quite hard to break off than a relationship, or so I heard.
So, can I take a cheating partner back? *insert whatsapp sad side-eye* I actually can. Would I take a cheating partner back? If we’re married, yes I would *insert whatsapp dejected smiley here* but IF WE ARE NOT MARRIED, collect faya back! I might. I might not.
At the end of the day anyway, I think it depends, for most relationships, on how well the offender is able to convince the offended one to take him/her back, as well as how much damage has been done by reason of the offence. Or, what do you think?
Check out opinions from the poll and please do drop your comments. Would you take a cheating partner back?
Facebook: Orifunke Lawal
I have always wondered what relationships look like when the man earns less than the woman. In this part of the world where the man is saddled with the expectation of taking care of his woman, it is unconsciously expected that the man should earn more.
Women who are thus more successful and earn more are advised to keep their achievements away from the knowledge of their lovers as it could be a stain on their ego if they get to find out that their women earn more than they do.
This is bullshit, anyway
Well, I hate to generalize and so I needed to know. Is it true that men would find it uncomfortable dating or marrying a woman who earns more? And is it true that women would find it uncomfortable marrying a man who earns less? And then, I asked this question across all my social media platforms and got replies. Of all the replies I got, about 90% were of the opinion that a man earning less than a woman wasn’t a problem. Of these 90%, a little over average were males. I found it interesting that guys thought it was absolutely nothing if their women earned more than they did. And although I wasn’t surprised, I found it equally interesting that women didn’t care either.
Perhaps there were guys who wouldn’t support the idea and they just didn’t comment on my poll for fear of going against the popular opinion, I really do not know and I cannot say. However, I’ll choose to go with the results of my poll and see this topic in that light till I am influenced by a different opinion.
Now, would I have a problem with my man earning less? Absolutely not. I would be more bothered if my man was bothered about me earning more. For the baby girl that I am though (Lol), Maybe I’d like it if my man earns more than I do. So that he can at least be buying me shawarma and ice-cream. And I won’t be feeling guilty for eating his money. I’m kidding. I think the problem is not if I’m earning more or if he’s earning less or whatever. But on how much we love each other and are willing to make it work.
I have heard of guys who take their more-earning women for granted or see her as an opportunity for them to get rich. And there are some other guys who absolutely drop the efforts to buy nice things for their ladies because she’s earning more and can afford it. They think their efforts are no longer needed since she can handle that herself.
Now this is not something I subscribe to. That I am earning more shouldn’t mean you shouldn’t want to take me out or buy me nice things. (And if you were thinking of asking, relationships are more than buying of gifts). It shouldn’t mean you stop making the efforts. Personally, I don’t care about how much or how little you spend, as long as you’re showing me you do care.
So here’s my bit for ladies; if you are dating a guy who earns less, there should never be a point in the relationship when you rub that in this face. Respect the fact that he works hard to make his ends meet whether he earns more or less. What a man earns really should never be the basis for your respecting him.
And for the men; you shouldn’t be bothered about it. A woman who doesn’t care will not give a damn about what you think. A woman who is well-meaning may not feel free to help out when you need it. You shouldn’t feel insecure at any point. If she’s a good woman that you love so much, you would do well not to ever bring up the issue in a disagreement. And of course, if there are things you should do for her, you shouldn’t rescind on your decision to make her happy in the little way you can.
This is what I think. Your opinion(s) could be different. So what do you think? For the ladies, would you date/marry a man who earns less? For the guys, would you date/marry a woman who earns more?
The discussion of Bae Allowance or Girlfriend Allowance appears to come up every now and then on social media.
If you do not know what “Bae Allowance” means, it refers to an amount of money that a guy gives his woman on a regular basis.
Would you believe that until some months ago, I had no idea that there was anything known as girlfriend allowance? I mean, I knew that girlfriends could enjoy special financial privileges from their boyfriends. Like him taking them out or giving them money when they need it and if he does have it. But I had no idea there was a regular “salary” thingy.
Okay, fast forward to now that I know. I have studied that there are different sets of people who have varying opinions about this matter.
First, there’s the set of people who think it’s absolutely fine to give your girlfriend an allowance, as long as you can afford it. Just so that she can be comfortable and not be tempted by other guys. (Lol)
Second, there’s the set that thinks it is absolutely irrelevant unless they’re married. Such commitment should be attended to in marriage, abi?
Third is the set of people who are absolutely indifferent about it. If it comes, fine. If it doesn’t, it’s still fine.
For me, I think I just have mixed feelings about this issue. I don’t think the lady should expect it and I don’t think the guy should be under obligation to give her a regular allowance. If he feels the spirit is leading him to continously sow into the ministry of the bae monthly or regularly, he can. As long as he is not inconveniencing himself or his pocket to make that happen.
“Bae Allowance” is not something I am entirely cool with simply because I kinda sorta think receiving a monthly allowance would mean you being indebted to him one way or the other. And I love my independence like ki lo de. Well, what do I know except for what I think?
So, what’s your take? Do you support Bae Allowance or not? Let me know in the comments. And please don’t forget to share with others.
P.S: I’m going to do another post on the different opinions of this I have received so far. Your comment could be one of them.
I read Toke Makinwa’s book “On Becoming” recently and well, what a read it was! I have not gotten over the wave of emotions that hit me from time to time while I read the book. I have had one or two people tell me that it is dangerous to believe a one-sided story like Toke Makinwa’s and I agree to an extent. But something deep within me believes her story hook, line and sinker and it’ll remain that way until I’m proven otherwise.
The book is opened by Toke Makinwa narrating the story of her family background. She tells a gruesome story of how she loses her parents to a fire incident that happened in their home while she was a kid. In the book, she also describes her growing up, education and the main gist of the book- her relationship with Maje.
Toke Makinwa’s story is relevant, to me, because she openly tells about the experiences of many ladies who will never have the strength to tell them. Her story also reveals the failure of the African society that would rather blame the woman for the dissolution of a marriage than blame a man. The faulted system that suggests that a broken marriage would have been prevented if the woman “cooked better for him, gave him enough sex and blah blah blah.”
I was angry while reading the book because I couldn’t fathom why she kept going back to a guy who kept cheating on her. I really wouldn’t blame her though. When a woman loves a man, she easily forgives him when he apologizes with the hope that he will change. Of course, he might not and the cycle continues.
I was disgusted because I really couldn’t place why he always kept cheating and coming back to say “I’m sorry” knowing well that he was no where near the changed man he acclaimed himself to be.
I was sad because of the trauma she had to go through and how she could have avoided that a long time ago.
The end of the book however brought me a feeling of unsaid joy and relief. I am glad that she was able to find solace and strength in God’s Word during the trying times.
Here’s a lesson for ladies: If a man keeps disrespecting you over and over again, don’t go into marriage with him. Yes, you really love him and trust that he’ll change. But if he keeps hurting you again and again, please leave. If your relationship with a man doesn’t change him, don’t expect your marriage with him to do that either.
Disclaimer: My views are solely based on reading Toke Makinwa’s account of her relationship with Maje. The story may change if I ever get to read or hear Maje’s side of the story.
By the way, today is Toke’s birthday. Happy Birthday, Toke Makinwa!
Too often, I read stories of ladies who fall prey to guys who break off their relationships in the most inconsiderate manner. What usually makes it very painful is that on most occasions, the relationship would have lasted more than 3 or 4 years. And no, usually, this is not a simple relationship but one where a ring has been involved. So imagine the pain the lady goes through when it dawns on her that she has wasted time, emotions and opportunities she had for other potential suitors to come into the picture.
I strongly feel this is something that can be avoided a lot of times by ladies and I’ll be sharing tips on how to know if your fiancé is serious about marrying you or if he just put the ring on your finger till further notice.
1. He never says anything about you both starting marriage preparations after putting the ring on your finger.
I believe that proposing to a lady means that you see her marrying her really soon, say in one or two years. It’s not a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship that you’re still trying to figure out. However if he keeps mute after you’ve said yes and doesn’t bring it up again at all, then you should raise your eyebrows. Unless he has amnesia and has forgotten he proposed to you.
2. He tries to avoid any talks about marriage with you.
If after he’s proposed he starts to avoid marriage talks with you or starts to postpone the discussion, then it could be time to rethink. Many guys give ladies engagement rings not because they’re ready to get married to them but because they’re scared of someone else taking her. In some cases, they’re not even sure if they’ll eventually marry her. If your man finds a way to change the subject when marriage comes up, take a cue and start thinking of exit routes. Or for starters, take the ring off your finger first of all.
3. He actually talks marriage with you but never seems ready.
I understand the place of your man having everything in place before getting married. However, if for three, four, five years or more, he’s still trying to fix something here and there, you just may have to start thinking of leaving. If he knew he wasn’t ready for it very soon, I don’t think he should have proposed to you yet. There’s nothing bad in waiting for his life to be in order but if it’s taking too long then it’s not too good, baby.
Please understand that the above conditions only hold for relationships where a ring is already involved. A relationship where the guy hasn’t proposed would definitely have different (even though slight) conditions.
So, what did I miss out on? How can a lady know if the guy is really serious or if she’s just a lord (or lady) of the rings?
P.S: Opinions and constructive criticism are welcome!
HI!!! *shines teeth*
You’re here again! Thanks for stopping by! Are you a first-timer? You’re highly welcome! Thank you for visiting! Please relax, read and learn. And when you’re done, please don’t leave without dropping your comments. I’d really appreciate them! Okay! Leggo!
Just imagine this. You’re on a queue and you’re trying to get something others are struggling to get too. You’re being pushed from the front and being pushed from the back. Then by mistake, someone steps on you and looks back then turns away her face. You’re like, “You stepped on me.” Expecting the person to say sorry, she replies, “Can’t you see there are many people here? It wasn’t my fault!”. How would you feel?
All of us are naturally ego-driven creatures. We always want to do things that would increase or support our self-esteem. As a result, when we offend people, it could be quite difficult for us to say Sorry. Apologizing when you know quite well that you’re wrong seems like the hardest thing to do. Now what does apologizing mean? Saying Sorry? Yes, but not just that, it means admitting you’re wrong, saying sorry for doing the wrong thing and assuring the person that it wouldn’t repeat itself. So you see, apologizing isn’t just about saying sorry. The part of apologizing that seems to be the hardest is admitting the fact that you’re in the wrong. Everybody wants to be the one in the right part. And naturally, we all hate being the one who has to admit doing the wrong thing. That’s why we use the sentence “It wasn’t my fault” to support ourselves.
However, as difficult as it could seem, it is very important that we apologize when we offend others. The first thing you should tell yourself is, apologizing doesn’t make you smaller than you are, it doesn’t reduce your self-esteem one bit! For you to keep your relationships with people, you would have to learn the art of apologizing to others. Why? Because you’re imperfect. We all are. And that’s why it’s possible for you to step on people’s toes.
When you offend someone, don’t try defending yourself! It’s not going to get you the forgiveness you need. Come out plain and say, “I know I did this and this and I’m sorry”. Don’t say, “This and this happened and I’m sorry about it. You know it wasn’t my fault.” NO NO! Also, when you’re apologizing, be sincere about it. Don’t do it because you don’t want to look proud or because people are asking you to do it
or because Orifunke asked you to do it. And finally, endeavour not to repeat the wrong thing you did. If you do. that would show or make the person assume that you weren’t sincere at first.
So people, this is it. I hope you’ve learnt one or two things from this. When you offend someone, sincerely apologize, don’t try covering-up by saying, “It wasn’t My fault!”.
“Never ruin an apology with an excuse.– Benjamin Franklin
I really should thank God. I asked Him for speed in writing this and He gave me. ^_^
Thanks a whole lot for reading through! I’m sure you learnt something, even if it wasn’t so new to you. Now, please don’t leave without dropping your comments. Corrections, contradictions and contributions are welcome as usual! And you could also follow this blog so you wouldn’t miss out on posts that would be coming up in the future. Bless!