Too often, I read stories of ladies who fall prey to guys who break off their relationships in the most inconsiderate manner. What usually makes it very painful is that on most occasions, the relationship would have lasted more than 3 or 4 years. And no, usually, this is not a simple relationship but one where a ring has been involved. So imagine the pain the lady goes through when it dawns on her that she has wasted time, emotions and opportunities she had for other potential suitors to come into the picture.
I strongly feel this is something that can be avoided a lot of times by ladies and I’ll be sharing tips on how to know if your fiancé is serious about marrying you or if he just put the ring on your finger till further notice.
1. He never says anything about you both starting marriage preparations after putting the ring on your finger.
I believe that proposing to a lady means that you see her marrying her really soon, say in one or two years. It’s not a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship that you’re still trying to figure out. However if he keeps mute after you’ve said yes and doesn’t bring it up again at all, then you should raise your eyebrows. Unless he has amnesia and has forgotten he proposed to you.
2. He tries to avoid any talks about marriage with you.
If after he’s proposed he starts to avoid marriage talks with you or starts to postpone the discussion, then it could be time to rethink. Many guys give ladies engagement rings not because they’re ready to get married to them but because they’re scared of someone else taking her. In some cases, they’re not even sure if they’ll eventually marry her. If your man finds a way to change the subject when marriage comes up, take a cue and start thinking of exit routes. Or for starters, take the ring off your finger first of all.
3. He actually talks marriage with you but never seems ready.
I understand the place of your man having everything in place before getting married. However, if for three, four, five years or more, he’s still trying to fix something here and there, you just may have to start thinking of leaving. If he knew he wasn’t ready for it very soon, I don’t think he should have proposed to you yet. There’s nothing bad in waiting for his life to be in order but if it’s taking too long then it’s not too good, baby.
Please understand that the above conditions only hold for relationships where a ring is already involved. A relationship where the guy hasn’t proposed would definitely have different (even though slight) conditions.
So, what did I miss out on? How can a lady know if the guy is really serious or if she’s just a lord (or lady) of the rings?
P.S: Opinions and constructive criticism are welcome!
I have been in Lagos all my life. And asides the four years I spent in school, away from Lagos, I pretty much have been in Lagos through and through. So when I write a post on the things you should never do in Lagos, trust that I am not just talking from knowledge but from experience. Lol, don’t mind me, I’m just feeling myself. If you’re a lagosian, you will agree with this. And if you’re a new or aspiring lagosian, you’ll definitely need this.
1. Never ever give strangers audience. Five years ago, I almost got scammed by two unknown guys because I stood to listen to them. Let’s say I was fotunate not to have fallen (evidence of a mother’s strong prayers). I have heard similar stories of people who fell prey and who, at the end of the day, end up losing money or other valuable stuff. So please, when someone you don’t know walks up to you and tries to start a conversation with, walk away or totally ignore. Unless you have mind sha.
2. Never go to thrift markets with all your money in one place,if you have a lot of it with you.
This will particularly come in handy for females who regularly visit the market. Cashless transactions aren’t common in thrift markets so you have to deal with carrying money around. I know someone who would split her money into different places (purse, socks, bra… Lol) before going shopping. So if one part got missing, the others remained intact. Absurd, but could save you tears and worries anytime.
3. When a fight breaks out in a place, leave.
Sometimes my amebo attitude will not permit me to run away. I like to still stand and wonder what could have caused the fight and how it would end. My mom hates this and growing up, the first thing she did when a fight broke out anywhere was to carry her children away from there instantly. Why? You never know. The police could come and arrest everybody and put them in prison whether they’re at fault or not. Or, they could start breaking bottles or shooting each other. ?
4. If you’re in public transport, keep your phones or gadgets unless you’re sure you’re extremely safe. I am usually very careful about using my phone when I’m in a public transport. I can’t deal with the trauma of having my phone snatched or being robbed. If you’re in a personal car, do well to wind up always when driving, especially when in a stand-still traffic.
So, what are the things a person should never do in Lagos that I have not highlighted? Please use the comments box.
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I grew up in a society where being a housewife was totally frowned at by the literates of the society. And that society is the same society where I still live. I have begun to really wonder why being a housewife seems like such a taboo for both men and women alike. Everybody seems to agree on the fact that no woman should consider being a housewife, especially if she’s educated. Why spend so many years going to school when you’re going to sit down for the rest of your marriage in your house doing “nothing”?
While I am not of the opinion that a woman should be stuck in the home after marriage, I still believe doing so is not a bad idea. I have always been an ambitious person and I have never much fancied not having a regular job. But then, I am beginning to have a re-think. While I don’t want to sit down at home absolutely doing nothing, I do not think I am mentally ready for the stress of going to work all day and then coming back to face the stress of the house. Lol, yes I am that lazy. I would prefer a job where I can sit down at home and keep getting the money and still be able to keep an eye on my children.
Okay, this post isn’t about me. What I’m saying is, there is really nothing wrong with being a full housewife. What if a lady thinks she wants to approach being a full-time housewife as a full-time job? Why disagree with her? “Funke, times have changed. We’re no longer in ‘those days'”, you want to protest. And I totally understand. But who says being a housewife isn’t a job anyway? No, it isn’t just a job, it is a life.
Imagine having to pay someone who will wholeheartedly take care of and look after your kids. Or someone who will cook your meals. Or watch after the house. And at the end of the day, function well in “za oda room”. Imagine having to pay for each of them. Well, unless you’re wealthy, paying for these may not be so easy.
What am I saying? There is nothing wrong with being a housewife. A woman should be able to make her own decisions and we should be able to respect that. If a woman decides that with all her degrees, she wants to stay at home and be a housewife, leave her be. It doesn’t make her irrelevant or less important than other “career women”.
So here’s for all the full housewives out there who are receiving little or no recognition for their jobs well done. You all are doing an amazing job and I celebrate you for it. For all I know, housewives are pretty much as relevant to our society as much as every other career woman. They shouldn’t be looked down on or seen as “unambitious” or weak.
Or, what do you think?
I stumbled on a video on YouTube where Jumoke Adenowo was interviewed. It was in the #KingWomen series of Kemi Adetiba. Prior to this time, I had never seen Jumoke Adenowo in any video before, never heard her talk before and I knew almost nothing about her. I only knew she was an architect who is pretty much good at what she does and that was about all I knew about her. (She runs AD studio; AD consulting firm, a firm she founded in 1994).
I half-mindedly used to wonder why she was usually invited to speak at events pertaining to women and all. However, watching and listening to her speak for more than thirty minutes, I instantly fell in love with her. Watching her interview, I gained insight into her growing up, her educational background, some of her views about life and her principles. Needless to say, listening to her made me have a great deal of respect for her. So here are just six of the reasons why I am getting to love and respect her all the more:
1. Jumoke Adenowo is a woman who loves to dream big. She comes off as a lady who doesn’t settle down with mediocrity. She doesn’t allow society’s opinions affect her way of thinking and her goals. And she doesn’t support you being side-lined or not doing anything great because you’re a female.
2. Another reason why I am crushing on her is because she is one person who respects herself. Listening to her would just make you have an increase in your self-esteem. She is this person who doesn’t settle down for less than who she is. And she really doesn’t take nonsense from people.
3. Jumoke Adenowo is an intelligent woman! And intelligence is a turn on for me anyday anytime. When you hear her speak, you know this isn’t someone who doesn’t know what she’s saying. She does. And I should attribute this partially to the fact that she grew up reading books and travelling round the world with her dad. You listen to her and you just know she has so much upstairs to give and to impart.
4. She is also a big risk-taker! Thinking about how she started her business, I’m not sure I would be able to take such a risk. But yeah, life is all about risks.
5. I love how she has been able to love and build her family and imbibe in her children a sense of her origin culture.
6. And this is the biggest of everything. I love how much she is a lover of God and of the things of God. And my dear woman is giving to the service of others. Don’t even ask me how I know all this. But it’s true. Jumoke Adenowo lets you know that it is much possible to love God, do His work and still excel in other parts of your life.
In the future, I look forward to getting to speak with this amazing woman. And I am sure the “future” isn’t very far from now.
Reading through this young woman’s story for the first time, I was both thrilled and intrigued. Her story sent a number of emotions through me. I was awed by how much and how well she was able to handle her son’s physical disability and turn it into an advantage and a strength. As someone who has a brother who is struggling with another type of physical disability, I can quite relate. Her story encapsulates the genesis of the problem, the journey through the years, the struggles she has had to face and the eventual victories. Her name is Anne Bessong and you will enjoy this story and be inspired by it down to the very end.
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I got married in December 1994 and on January 3, 1996, our first baby was born. At birth, David was just like any other baby until he cried or smiled. Then his whole face shifted to one side and the contorted sight wasn’t nice, to say the least. That was how our journey into the world of physical human disorders started. The doctors called it partial facial palsy, asked us to observe him till he was over 9 months old and we started getting referrals to go to different places.
After he turned two, I got fed up & stopped taking him to the Children’s Hospital. I just ensured he exercised his facial muscles by chewing on all the recommended stuff we had been told to use.
Just before he turned three, we travelled to America where a doctor commended David for being well-behaved and handed him a lollipop. David accepted it, smiled and said “thank you” & the problem started! The doctor began to ask several questions as she wrote down everything. Next thing, she brought out her pager, sent a message and some other doctors rushed in. We kept a few appointments before we returned home to Nigeria and he continued with his schooling. Needless to say that every time he cried or smiled, he was made the butt of jokes and jeered at because his face got contorted as it shifted to one side.
At age 5, David began to ask questions about people’s reactions to his laughter or cry. I got tired of telling him not to mind them, got tired of making excuses for their insensitive behaviour, got tired of buying him toys to take his attention away from it all. I quit my Media/PR job and had to become a full-time teacher so as to be closer to him. (I grappled with the financial step-down for a while).
Fortunately, he is very brilliant and so each time he got laughed at and came to me, I’d bring out a mirror and ask him to smile at it. I’d then ask him what happened. He would reply that his face moved. I’ll ask him to look at the mirror without smiling. He would say his face was okay. Then I would smile at him and tell him in a firm voice that his problem was outward and so temporary. I would also encourage him that it would have been a big problem if an internal organ that we couldn’t see was affected. I encouraged him to be the best at everything and after some years, he believed that the problem with his face wasn’t as bad as his peers with woeful results since that meant they had a problem with their brains!
And that was how my son went through primary and secondary school. People still made fun of him, laughed at him when he laughed instead of laughing at the joke he was laughing at. But I had groomed him to develop a thick skin and instead pity their lack of knowledge. He even went a step ahead each time he introduced himself and always added that he was born with partial facial palsy which made his face shift to one side when he smiled or laughed (remembering to add that it wasn’t contagious). Against all odds, I groomed David and his brother (who I had after him) to be complete gentlemen, God-fearing, well-behaved, focused, respectful and helpful.
In December 2015, at the age of 19, my son graduated with a First Class in Network & Telecommunications Engineering from Universitie Africaine Du Management Et Du Technologie in the Republic of Benin! He was posted Bayelsa State for his National Youth Service Corps (NYSC)! I talked about it with him and my young hot-cake First-Class engineer was excited and expectant about going to serve in Bayelsa. Even at the Orientation Camp, he was nominated the Social Leader of his platoon!
Today, I can claim without sounding boastful that I’m one of the best teachers there is! My pain led me to a profession I’ll never give up for anything. Today, I encourage other mothers and help them see that indeed there is light at the end of the tunnel. Today, I can say with even more pride that I have a son who conquered stigmatization to become the best in his chosen field of study. He has since completed his NYSC and is leading a normal life like any young man his age.
To mums out there with children facing challenges, let David’s story encourage you. Focus on the good in that seemingly bad situation and work on it like raw gold in the refiner’s furnace. The journey may not be easy, but the outcome is sure worth the effort! His face still shifts to one side but years of exercise has reduced it a tiny winy bit and we’re grateful for that little improvement!
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Thank you for reading. Do you have a story you would love to be published on my website? Send a mail to [email protected]